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At the age of twelve I remember running down the aisle to answer the alter call. I was singing "I surrender all," at the Western Pentecostal Conference in Calgary. For the first time in my life I was actually worshipping. I wasn't singing to be a good Malayalee Pentacostal, but I was singing because I felt the Love of GOD. The more I sang the more I felt. GOD no longer was the distant, almost mythical, person that was just in the bible. My walk with GOD had started


I remember coming back to church thinking, "Everything is going to change. No longer is the Malayalee Pentacostal church going to be 2 and a half hours of sheer boredom, but I'm going to have that feeling of worship all over again." Unfortunately that was not the case. During the malu songs I remembered feeling so frustrated, clapping my hands, but not knowing or understanding the words. I kept thinking I will learn them soon, but the more the malu songs came the more frustrated I became. The English worship, which consisted of "This is the Day," to "Alive, Alive, Alive Forevermore," felt like it was done out of obligation to make the youth content. After years attempting to get the worship leaders to add more English songs I almost gave up. I was tired of hearing "the songs you want to sing are too hard," right after our church delivered very beautiful and instrumental music at outreach meetings and concerts, and even publishing music CD's

In college I attended one English Pentecostal service. Even though the church was in English, people were soon praising God in their own languages: Russian, Chinese, tagalong (Philippino), Korean, and even Punjabi. Everyone was speaking/singing in many languages, but with one voice. Even though one person did not understand the other, they were all edifying both themselves and the church.

I wish I could say that I was transformed back to age of 12 and felt the love of God in worship, but all I could think was, "Why can't our church have that?" Not just the youth, but the entire church. I prayed hard and soon the youth started practicing new songs, and the next week the worship leaders of our church decided to join in. My father and Jomon were both a blessing towards the worship of our youth. We started having youth meetings every Friday and the youth would be filled with the spirit.

I wish I could say I was then transformed back to age of 12 and felt the love of God in worship. Almost 10 years I struggled. Fighting, Waiting, and praying, and finally, God "blessed" me with these youth services. Never in my life had I felt fellowship or a sense of belonging in a church. But in the midst of the singing, shouting, and prayer, I would open my eyes. Seeing the kids, most of whom I can remember being at the hospital when they were born, worshiping like I was when I was twelve, and yet I did not feel GOD the way they did.

I thought that after 10 years of struggling, I would finally feel the same type of worship & love I did when I was twelve. Yet for some reason GOD felt distant and aloof. Every Friday night my prayer was to feel the touch of GOD & speak in tounges, and to be 12 again.

I ask that as you read this blog you share w/ me your "12," how you overcome the gulf between you & GOD, and finally your spiritual advice for me.